What, you think we can help?
Totally unlicensed counseling for anxiety, depression, complex trauma, ADHD and restless leg syndrome
Let's Talk About You
Why you're here
First of all, don't these people in the stock photo appear a little too good-looking to be in therapy? It's not just us, right?
Like - what the hell do they have to be so worked up about? They get free dinners and modeling gigs. That's not so bad. The rest of us slovenly beasts wish we had such problems.
Anyway, back to you.
Chances are, you've tried traditional routes of therapy to treat your mental maladies. These treatments have probably included:
- Talk Therapy
- SSRI's
- Electroshock Therapy
- Strap-you-down-and-beat-the-shit-out-of-you-with-dildos Therapy
- Neurofeedback
- CBT
- Mushrooms that made you think you were Jesus Christ
- Weaker mushrooms that made you think you were Carol from Accounting
...and a host of other things that left you no better for the wear, and possibly worse.
But there's hope for you yet!
Read on...
About Unqualified Therapy
At Unqualified Therapy, our core motto is:
"MA! THE MEATLOAF!"
Yeah.
Core mottos are for people who know what the hell they're talking about.
Which, if you haven't gathered by now, is decidedly not us.
But we do know one thing, mon ami.
You're not crazy, you're just homesick.
And we don't mean homesick for that cookie-cutter suburb in Iowa you left behind to go pursue adventure in Thailand before getting jailed for moving 80 pounds of ecstasy.
But rather, the home of the singularity. Or whatever else you call it. The unified field. Heaven. Source. Pittsburgh.
Here's the deal, fam. You were once everything. Now, you're something. That's a bitch of a transition. Like moving from Malibu to Akron. Your consciousness was free and infinite and rockin' around the Christmas tree, and then it decided to become you.
The you with the bad back and the mortgage and the mother-in-law and that weird rash that doesn't seem to be responding to cortisoze for some reason..
So of course you're drowning in pills and cheap wine and horse tranquilizers.
At least, we hope you're drowning in horse tranquilizers. That sounds pretty awesome.
But here's the good news - we don't have the solution either.
<awkward silence>
Good talk, Russ.
Transform Your Life with Unqualified Therapy
Individual Counseling
Our unlicensed counselors are here to help you navigate through life's challenges. Are you having an existential crisis? Really? No shit. Well then. That sounds rough. Good luck, buddy.
Couples Counseling
Did you catch your better half in bed with your hairdresser? Good for them getting some in the real world and not having to rely on porn. At least someone's still getting laid these days. You can probably learn something from them.
Family Counseling
Does your kid throw tantrums that embarass you and usually end up with a chunk bitten out of your arm and a chair thrown through a window? These incidents can be quite traumatic and hilarious. Make sure you film them. This stuff goes viral fairly quickly.